When you get up in the morning, and you see that crazy sun...

...keep me in your heart for a while


It is both my end and my beginning. It encompasses everything from the raw physical understanding of my surroundings to my incessant mental and spiritual palpatations. It is my hope that whatever it is, whatever it becomes, it will be the purest, most simple expression of all that has struggled to escape my thoughts.

To be constantly approaching something, but never quite reaching it. To see the city in the distance, watching as the skyline fails to grow, as it seems to never get closer. To know what it is at a strange, emotional, visceral level, but never be able to articulate its essence or even its form.

The faith in its eventual manifestation is a constant comfort. That when it comes to being, it will be the film that we all mutually understand in wholly individual and unique ways; it will be the song that is sung in messy unison at the bar, conjuring up distinct memories and colors for each individual participant. It is shared experience that grows out of the desires of the individual.

It has the simple power of the well-timed chord change that makes a tune worthwile, or the trick of the camera that makes your heart sigh.

So I continue at a pace both uncomfortably slow and unceasingly quick. Seeing always in the fore of my vision the expression of my being coming to life, waiting for an indication of how to express that which I need to express. That which every fiber of me longs to express.

And I wait.

I'M SORRY, TWO WORDS

I always think after you're gone
When I realize I was acting all wrong




Posts are going to be few are far between for some time. I'm working excessive amounts, and I'm gone every weekend. Please forgive me and continue to read the wonderful blogs I have linked to on the right.

I will still squeeze in a real update when I can.

BIRDS FALL FROM THE WINDOW LEDGE ABOVE MINE

Then they flap their wings at the last second...









I have been lax in my already feeble attempts to keep this thing updated. It should've been chock full of fun things to read after my adventure in Korea. But I returned to the Mecca that is GR and hit the ground running. I haven't stopped.

But lemme tell you. Korea was some fun shit. Most of the sentiments in the last post apply. What's missing is the hilarious adventures in Seoul. Read about those over at Back In the Motherland.

Since then, my gimp foot has healed. Coakesoftball won another game, my first win. I played indoor soccer. The fam visited and we had keilbasas (sp?) on the deck and headed over to the aunt&uncle's for my cousin's open house and some fine grilling.

Last night, however, was the highlight of the past week. E, A, and T joined me at the CONDOU and we grilled pork tenderloin on the absurdly massive and beautiful rooftop grills with excellent views of the city and sunset. We had so much fun we could feel ourselves flipping backwards as the sun set! Or at least T thought so and E agreed.

So far I think I've done well keep busy, and trying to be more decisive, more engaging, more... exciting? Not as in I'm exciting. But in the week I've been back not a night has gone by where I stayed home cause I was too lazy to do anything else. I mean there have been drinks at one trick, failed movie watchings, entourage viewings, beach goings, softball playings, soccer playings, rooftop grillings. Life, for not, is good.

Sorry this is a fairly insubstantial post. What it needs is pictures. Next time there's rooftop extravaganza-ing, i'll make sure to shoot some. And Korea pics from my camera should be up when I stop being so lazy doing stuff all the time.





Now due to a construct in my mind
That makes their falling and their flight
Symbolic of my entire existence
It becomes important for me to get up and see
Their last second curves toward flight
It's almost like my life will fall
My life will fall - unless I see their ascent

SINCE THEN IT'S BEEN A BOOK YOU READ IN REVERSE

So you understand less as the pages turn...







To see more pics of this trip I'm on, visit Kim's Flickr.

So I've been here awhile, and not posted——for that I feel a tad bit guilty, but so it goes. Three things: Korea is nothing like I expected (really, I didn't know what to expect), this trip has made me remember who I am, and this trip has reminded me of the value of friendship.

For the first few days here, I could think of nothing but Japan. Everything I saw in Korea, I saw through the lens of Japan. As in, the subways look the same, but damn everyone's speaking the wrong language, or, wow, it's like home except everyone is louder, everyone is pushier, everyone is rude. Now that I've been here, I have to a certain extent remolded those views. Koreans are necessarily rude... but when you grow up in a culture of constant apology and overbearing politeness, the constant bumping and yelling and honking and almost killing me with your moped are a little bit of a culture shock. Korea is really and fully it's own place. There are hints of Japanese culture, but nothing like I first surmised. The place has it's own smell, it's own mood, it's own attitude. Look at me though, acting like an expert after a week. Remember these are visceral impressions, gut feelings, and initial reactions.

Now it has also made me remember who I am. I'm not gonna get too touchy-feely, or too psychobabbly on you (I hope). It's just, being here makes me remember that I did live overseas. It makes me remember that I, too, was and expat... and all the little things they have to deal with, in any culture, are similar. The strange love-hate relationship with the host country or culture, the desperate need for the occasional comfort food like McDonald's fries or Mediterranean food from KeBapistan (!). It made me remember my conscious choice upon arriving in the states 7 (holy shit) years ago to become American. Not to forget Japan, but to remember Los Angeles. In some ways I needed so badly not to stand out, not to be stared at, not to have to use the excuse "oh I grew up in Japan." And on the surface I tried, I guess. I would pretend I understood cultural references when they came up, and then go research them on the internet. For fuck's sake, I've never seen Goonies. Beside the point——there are days now, here in Korea, that I'm jogged out of my placated Grand Rapids state. I think of my darling friend M, who is some sort of vaudevillian model something or other in Tokyo, of the way I know he fits in there, living in that in between world Tokyo creates for expats who are willing to take on some Japanese culture and Japanese who embrace the international culture that develops in a big thriving city. That could be me right? Is that what I want? I just remember that I'm not just Grand Rapids, not just my condo, not just my job in Rockford. I'm more and can be more (INSPIRATIONAL!!!!!!!). Really though, I just want to feel alive again.

Thirdly, friendship. I'm here with my best friend. We've finally started to get in quabbles and quibbles, I'm crabby today, she is crabby tomorrow. Actually it's just me that's crabby. She pushes my buttons, I push hers. And I remembered friendship. Not that I don't have the best of friends in Grand Rapids. If I've drifted away from anyone, it's by my fault only. I've become reclusive and boring. It's friends that can help bring you out of that. I've resolved to get home and do things better, do things more decisively, do friendship with more gusto. Seriously. I want all of my relationships to be better. Sometimes you have to put yourself outside a situation to remember that.

That last paragraph started to veer heavily away from making any sense, but I can't form my thoughts into anything more coherent than that at this point


If you were looking for an update on my travels, this is a pretty shitty update. The picture here is from King Suro's tomb. My cultural experience here has been not so touristy, not so anything. It's just living with these expats, learning what it's like to be here, what food they eat, etc. etc. That's why I came. To see K, and to just see what happens. And great things have happened. As have things like a stress fracture in my right foot (begin and end pity party now).

Hope this makes some sense and was worth reading. Leave your thoughts if you would be so kind.






...Or a movie so crass
And awkardly cast
That even I could be the star.

Loungin at the barbeques, drinkin brews

with the neighborhood crews, hangin on the avenues
turn your pager to nineteen ninety three





So summer is upon us, right? Get your brats and your burgers, right? No more snow, right? I sure as hell hope not. I couldn't take the heartbreak — although today might bring some heavy heartbreak if it storms like its supposed to and softball is canceled. I mean our fall season was pretty much canceled because of snow last year, and this would be our second (out of three) game canceled due to rain. RAIN RAIN GO AWAY, right?

Korea is upon me. One week from today, I'll be on a plane. It's been years since I've been overseas, and I'm strangely stressed by it. Of course I'm ever so excited to see those that are dear to me, and to take two whole weeks off work. I'm not sure what it is stressing me out. I sat on my couch and looked out my windows past the Gerontology Network and it's oh so beautiful roof and thought, 'damn, it's beautiful out there.' Normally that kind of moment puts me at ease. If the right song is playing (in this case, "Manitoba" by Tapes 'n' Tapes), I can feel the stress of the day and week and month ease away. It's like a physical massage of my wrinkly brain. But not yesterday. I still had that mild end of the day headache that threatened to be more if I didn't get outside and take a slow walk down to the Pick. So I did, and as a traversed the construction zone that is the dusty buffer between me and my watering hole, I was able to smile just a bit.

Switching gears — I was outside eating lunch at the park by the Rogue River today... relaxing eating a club sandwich and reading the paper. This is a luxury rarely afforded these days, but a slow day at work today let me indulge in a brief respite. And of course what appears but a gaggle of children — apparently no one has school in Rockford, ever. Annoyed at first, their screaming and running actually settled me down and I slowly turned down memory lane. I watched their innocence at first (aw, so cute... etc etc). But then I started to see me. A little kid that clearly was not the coolest kid but still had friends, that hadn't yet learned his social graces when it comes to kids his age. He just kept screaming something, I don't know what, in an attempt to be funny, showing his friends something in the river. They would briefly look at him, then move on, continuing to eat ice cream and pretending to hate girls. They must have been in 3rd to 5th grade. I just remembered in that moment the utter frustration of being that age. I remember always being simultaneously joyous, sad, insecure, jovial, and confused. And I was only what, 9 years old? I miss the strange comfort of those days.

Then again, I don't think things have changed. I often find myself trying to be funny and I am always and never happy, always and never sad. You get the point.


See you at the bbq. Bocce 4 lyfe.




EAT THIS IN GRAND RAPIDS:

Taqueria Vallarta

Fulton just west of Diamond (next to Spike & Mike's)


Best tacos in GR right now, great prices. I've only had the tacos, but others have said their menu is pretty reliable. I like the steak tacos best, and I get them served in what apparently is the 'traditional' way, with meat, cilantro, and onions on a corn tortilla (and I don't even like corn tortillas!). They'll make them however you want, the guacamole is fresh (they made it right in front of me... you can see the whole kitchen from the order counter), the music is, well, mexican (can I say that?) and there are cases of Jarritos on the floor by the coffee maker. See you there.

HER BOYFRIEND'S TALL AND HE PLAYS BALL

So how am I gonna compete with that
'Cause when it comes to playing basketball
I'm always last to be picked
And in some cases never picked at all
So I just lean up on the wall
Or sit up in the bleachers with the rest of the girls
Who came to watch their men ball





It's playoff time, and I'm pumped. Pistons, of course, all the way. I'm not going to bore you with sports talk, but I wanted to direct to good Pistons playoff basketball talk:


Detroit Bad Boys

Need 4 Sheed


And of course visit Free Darko, Deadspin, and True Hoop as often as you can (links on right... I'm too lazy to add links).


There's my insubstantial post. I am finding I have many good thoughts, but when I try to write them the falter and fail.

Or I'm lazy.

WHEN A TRALFAMADORIAN SEES A CORPSE

all he thinks is that the dead person is in a bad condition in that particular moment, but that the same person is just fine in plenty of other moments. Now, when I myself hear that somebody is dead, I simply shrug and say what the Tralfamadorians say about dead people, which is ‘So it goes’





When I die, I hope I get to be neighbors with Vonnegut, Derrida, and Jesus.


Vonnegut is dead. Long live Vonnegut.